If Train A, headed northbound, leaves the station at three o’clock going 45 MPH and… awh fuck it. Who needs maths questions at a time like this?!
Answer here
I was pretty convinced that my heart was hardening. To be honest, it was… and it was worsening by the day. I thought I had the people that I was closest to figured out. Primarily, I was holding on to the pain that I thought they caused me and refusing to let go. I had a vice grip of the highest order on that pain and I wasn’t really willing to let it go.
Then, earlier this evening, my uncle and I had a profound discussion. He said that after the Man Utd v Liverpool match on Sunday, he noticed that I was a bit sad a couple of hours after we had gotten back from the pub and wanted to know what was on my mind. I tried dismissing it and saying that it wasn’t important but eventually, he got me talking.
I had told him that there is still a lot of emotional crap and excess baggage that I had to sort through. Of course, he asked for examples. I told him there were many things that I was holding onto; many things that have caused me pain that I wanted answers for. It all boiled down to one main question: why did I feel so underappreciated and unwanted?
Uncle smiled and then told me of his personal battle against the demons that terrorized his own soul. He then said to me: ‘Remember what I asked you the last time we chatted?’ I nodded and replied: ‘You asked me “Joseph, what kind of human being do you want to be?”’ He smiled and nodded.
After all of the personal things we shared with each other, which were very similar, yet unique experiences; after all the pain that I had held on to and the bitterness that billowed inside behind the confines of my ribcage, he then confirmed what I didn’t believe to be true: ‘Joseph, you did the best you could for these people you loved so much… and so did the people that were once in your life that you believe hurt you.’ Almost instantaneously, the most sudden calm came over me. No tears. No typical inner rebellion or uncomfortable feeling that came about after hearing something that people other than myself thought to be true about my character and/or my actions. Just… peace and serenity.
I now know what it is that I want as a human being: I want inner peace and will stop at nothing to keep this serenity I’ve discovered. I am a good person. I do have a lot to offer. I don’t need to second guess the things that I’ve always believed about myself by comparing and contrasting my beliefs about my own character with the thoughts and beliefs of others, because - at the end of the day - I really don’t give a toss about what other people think.
There truly is something remarkably beautiful in learning to let go of it all. I am what I am. The people who are and aren’t in my life are what they are. It’s what is.
For the first time ever, I can confidently say that I like the man that I am, I like the man I’ve become, and I look forward to being the man that I’ll become in the future (God willing).
I am okay now. I am at peace now. I am casting out all the self-doubt and doubts of others. Now all I have to concern myself with is keeping up the fight against my inner demons rather than listen to them.
the cascades were calling him again…
and as he checked the unread messages in his brainpan,
he stands and nervously rubs his hands,
deleting each of the vocal memos, each
idiom as piercing as the last
finally, after disconnecting, he finds himself
accepting the fact that the time is
now… he rubs the wrinkles turned crevices turned
chasms that formed on his brow, asking aloud:
“how did my heart and my mind end up in this unified state?
am I really ready for this?”
a searing, nagging sensation raced from body
cavity to cavity, immediately answering
his question.
acknowledging the internal lesson as
learned, the cascades again yearned for his
presence. he could ignore the plea no longer;
as the inherent disturbance only grew stronger,
he exhaled, pushed open the gates to redemption
and made his way to the ends of the earth;
all the while, composed… yet excited.
his delight only increased once he blessed his eyes
on the horizon… as he closed his eyes and extended
his weary arms, he started to rise off the ground…
the sweet, salty breeze softly caressing
every inch of his tattered body and soul
O, the anxiousness was excruciating! and yet,
still he rises, slowly inching away from land’s end
and towards the ocean deep
the eyes once wide shut suddenly opened…
the remainder of his journey was clear…
and as tears of joy rained from his eyes, he cried:
“I’M READY!”
and plummeted from the skies.
the speed of the fall increased intently as he was
falling free… the seas extended her loving
arms, he crashed into the azure waters
with a triumphant splash…
the sea closed her benevolent limbs around him,
encouraging his decent… joyous tears transformed
into celebratory bubbles. the bubbles rose rapidly
as he continued to sink
eyes wide open slowly closed and
her voice, ethereal and melodic, filled
the cerulean void, saying:
“for a moment there, i thought you
weren’t going to jump.”
and at that moment, he felt peace
at that very moment, he felt loved
This track - the aptly-named “Say It” - marks the first time in four years since my brother Knytro and I have been on the same track together.
Long overdue, but really? It was only a matter of time.
Plenty more coming from the Capriquarius camp, believe that. :-) Stay tuned.
Second day back in England? Already back in the booth, cranking out the jams and having some fun. :-) Capriquarius on the track (The Auracle + Knytro), Nameless on the beats.
This one’s for all my gamers out there. Enjoy. :-)
the applause was so inviting, I thought I was entering my grandparent’s home…
but I quickly honed my senses back into the zone in which
I am physically occupying.
my eyes follow the microphone’s cord from
the line-in out towards the stand
coiling itself around the metal apparatus…
like the rock python that shall not want
or lost it’s passion for the hunt.
the raucous ovation continues to produce
the kind of effervescent aroma that lifts you
from where you stand
trying hard not to float on - because we all float on, all right…
I adjust the stand, clear my throat and raise one hand
with quivering tongue and deep breath, my deep-toned speech
beseeches all within earshot to lend me their ears:
“…if I could have you all lift your champagne flutes, please?
thank you. it’s been a long time coming.
it really, really has.
i could’ve sworn the dream was down.
the hot air in our balloon turned frigid and
on our steady plummet towards the surface,
i had to wonder if any one of us here tonight
would make it out alive or be next to help the daisies
grow.
such an… unnerving thought, i know.
but it just goes to show how vulnerable this is.
it just goes to show how much we know
how vulnerable WE are.
But we are fighters, we are persistant,
we are downright pests, aren’t we?
quite honestly, i wasn’t ready to roll
over and close the casket on myself and
my ambitions.
Clearly, from the look on every face in the
room tonight, neither were you.
So without any further adieu, please join me
in a toast.
‘To the most inspiring people no longer within our midst;
i hope they, too, are celebrating our newfound bliss.’
DRINK UP, EVERYONE! WE’VE DONE IT!”
As the highs of the hurrahs morph mightily
into the droning sound of a pissed off alarm clock,
i roll over… and moments before hitting the snooze
bar, I look over outside at the 5am sliver of light.
With conviction, I whisper: “Soon, you will be mine.”
This is a Best Of that I was going to leave till the very end (because it’s probably the best I’ll do); however, after receiving a postcard from Nicolay this morning, I thought it would be the perfect time to publish it with the release of their 3rd album rapidly approaching. The story behind the creation of The Foreign Exchange is definitely the most special in modern day music and is something that you should research if you don’t already know about it. Throughout the past 6 years they have become my favourite group/label in the world and the chemistry between Phonte and Nicolay has produced some of the greatest music of all time. Yes I said it - all time. Connected was a revolutionary album for both Hip-Hop & Soul; however Leave It All Behind is one of the most incredible albums I’ve ever listened to and one day I can see it becoming my favourite album of all time. They make timeless music from the heart that I can enjoy with my mum, dad, sister and gran - that is a very rare quality in music these days. Zo!, Yahzarah and Darien Brockington all play a huge part in making the FE family so special and 2 of them have already released albums this year, which are streets ahead of any other R&B/Soul music that is out there at the moment. I could honestly talk all day about these guys, but it’s sometimes best to just let the music do the talking. Cannot wait to hear Authenticity next month. Hopefully you all fall in love with their music like I have. Tracklist and download link after the jump.
Friday: Eminem.
Miss the REAL R&B, soul and hip-hop? Me too… luckily, we’ve got The Foreign Exchange. :-)