“Why don’t you just for once put your arrogance aside and admit you know how to cut jobs but you have absolutely no idea how you are going to create them?”— Labour leader Ed Miliband’s question to current knob jockey/Prime Minister David Cameron
*sighs* All right, Mario. We need to talk. Man-to-man. Englishman to Italian. Black to white. It’s not anything serious or anything it just… well. I mean: it is what it is, yeah?
I’ll just get straight into it, mate. It’s been twenty-five long years since you and Princess Peach have been… doing whatever it is that you two do. She keeps getting captured. You keep saving her bacon. I think I speak on behalf of all males when I pose the question to you - and please don’t be offended by this - …did you hit that yet?
No? Not even once? You mean the broad still hasn’t really committed to you in any way? Sexually, romantically, or otherwise? Nothing at all? *sighs* I was afraid that might be the case. You literally put your life on the line for this woman and for what? A fucking pop-kiss on the cheek?! You’re not married to her, you’re not even dating her… hell, you’re not even fucking her every now and again! Absolute sweet fuck-all is going on between you both, yet there goes your fat-ass to the rescue every single time the bint wants to pay Bowser a special little visit.
I hate to be the one that says this to you mate… but I’ve got to be up-front with you: Bowser’s laying some mean pipe, son. *nods* Oh yeah, he’s fuckin’ laying it DOWN. …well, how ELSE do you explain a nice woman like Peach ALWAYS getting “captured” by a prick like Bowser?! I’ll tell you why: orgasms, that’s fucking why. She may very well loathe Bowser but you know what? The gettin’ is gooooooood. I wouldn’t be surprised if what they put you through was really just an elaborate distraction, formulated to buy enough time to do the nasty more times that you could ever hope to imagine or experience yourself.
Think about it, Mario. Really think about it. You’ve stared Death in the face more times than Joan Rivers has undergone botox treatments. Having said that, like Joan Rivers constantly having botox injected into her facial skin flaps: you’ve got to know when to call it quits and just… move on, mate! She’s just not that into you, I’m afraid. I’m just saying… Princess Peach likes her peaches bruised by some bad-boy Bowser cock. You, my fine Italian friend, just haven’t got what she’s looking for in the whole love, sex & relationships department. I mean aside from loyalty, charisma, etcetera… but, unfortunately, none of those induce penetration orgasms.
Like I said, it is what it is. You should take cues from Sonic, man! Amy Rose is practically gagging for it, mate… you don’t see Sonic stopping off for a quickie, do you!? That’s right, you don’t! He’s got a world to save and is completely focused. Don’t save the princess any more, dude. Save the world. That’s what you’re meant for.
The second installment in the Grey Days soundtrack series, compiled by yours truly.
Aquatic - Force of Nature
Daykeeper - The Foreign Exchange
Moerae - Idiot Pilot
Always - Kev Brown
What If We Do? (Nobody Remix) - Mia Doi Todd
Stranger In Moscow - Michael Jackson
Everloving - Moby
Ma [Its Good] - Nameless
Recalm Outro - Nomak
Imaginary Folklore - Nujabes (orignal track “Folklore” by Clammbon)
Sometimes I Miss You So Much - P.M. Dawn
Earth Travelers - People Under The Stairs
Just Another Day - Queen Latifah
You and Whose Army? - Radiohead
Cherish the Day - Sade
Breathe - Télépopmusik
Silver Wings - Thrice
Jazz (We’ve Got) - A Tribe Called Quest
Rabbit in Your Headlights [Underdog Remix] - UNKLE
Far Away - José González
Please enjoy these moving tracks in the comfort of your favourite room, preferably with the window slightly cracked open; the sound of the lightly falling rain makes for great atmosphere. Alternatively, have these tracks sweetly serenade you via your headphones while on the train/bus or through the speakers of your car whilst driving to your destination.