The Altered Realm

they say love is a game…

if love is a game, Valentine’s Day is its cup final, its Super Bowl; it’s opening and closing ceremonies, complete with decadent costumes, elaborate dance moves and glorious song

if love is a game, the players are sat in the dugout, waiting patiently whilst staring intently at the back of the managers head, silently imploring him to one of them on the pitch… “c’mon gaffer, let me have a crack at them. I can do this!”

if love is a game, chess is its name, for many aim to protect their respective kings and queens from being taken; some are used as pawns, some as gallant as knights, some as slanted as a bishop’s movement from square-to-square

if love is a game, then the pain born from a broken heart is akin to a brutal tackle, a vicious right hook, a german suplex… one could hazard a guess and say that some of the broken hearts the broken-hearted have sustained throughout the history of love’s placid game have seen to a swift end of their careers

if love is a game, if there be any truth in the saying ‘all’s fair in love and war,’ then love is a bloodsport; love is a fight to the death, pitting each gladiator willing to allow themselves to be brought to their very knees only to bleed so profusely, the seemingly insatiable thirst may be quenched only by the adversary’s blade.

if love is a game… let’s play. for keeps.

I have a tendency to take most things said or done to me personally; whether they were meant as an attack or not, I typically assume what was said and/or done as an attack.  My uncle calls it a “persecution complex” and he’s not wrong. 

I love a bit of banter, but more often than I’d like to admit, the scathing commentary reminds me of the days where I was made out to be the joke, rather than be part of the joke.  It reminds me of the time where everything that I did was scrutinised and picked apart by damn near everyone, making me feel utterly worthless.  It reminds me of the time where I was gut-checked by the person that I idolised the most when I was younger for bring home a report card with bad marks on them.  As I’m on the ground gasping for air, my idol was so angry with me, it led me to believe that maybe - just maybe - I was a giant waste of whatever potential I possessed.  As his hands went for my neck, staring into his eyes was like staring into an abyss.  You could only speculate what was actually lurking down there.  And as his vice-like grip on my trachea tightened, I’m lying there thinking: ‘So this is it.’  Then came the addiction to cocaine a few years later, coupled with ”therapy sessions” with cranks masquerading as councilors, anti-depressants, Ambien, and the increasing desire to finish what my idol at the time started.  There would be at least two more occasions where I would arrive to the point where I would find myself thinking - yet again - ‘So this is it.’

I was wrong.  It wasn’t it.  I’m still here.  Despite my best efforts and the efforts of others, I’m still here.

Inevitably though, my already sensitive nature was exacerbated to ridiculous levels.  Sure, the worst may be over, but part of me hasn’t gotten over it yet… It’s gotten so bad, some people nowadays write me off as “huffy,” “dramatic,” “thin-skinned,” etcetera and dispite the fact that I actually take a lot on board before I speak up, my attempts to say my piece is often castigated and disregarded.  It’s as if they’re saying I’m wrong for feeling anything at all.  Maybe they’re right.  Maybe I should be like everyone else and just continue to bottle up whatever I’m feeling and hold tight to it.  Maybe I’m wrong in continuing to fight my personal demons.  Maybe I’m wrong for trying to prove to people through the only example they seem to understand that I am a strong individual; that I’m not weak and that I’ve been to the very depths of Hell and lived to talk about it.  Maybe I’m wrong for constantly empathising with people who have gone through much more traumatic scenarios in their life or something similar to what I have.  Maybe I’m wrong to take so much shit on-board only to snap and then lash out… and maybe I’m wrong to vent most of the time; half of the time I do vent, I’m greeted with patronising laughter as if my laments are nothing more than humorous monologues.

Maybe I’m wrong in thinking that I’m making progress, that I’m making the right strides to finally deliver myself from my own personal hell.  Maybe I’m wrong for even trying to get out of my own head that I buried myself alive in.

Maybe I’m wrong for writing this.

Maybe you’re wrong for reading it.

But then again… maybe I’m wrong for trying to prove something to the wrong people.  Maybe I should just… walk away from them and never look back.  Maybe then, their words wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference.  Because maybe - just maybe - their words never meant a thing in the first place.

So… I am wrong, then.  I’m wrong for wasting my precious energy taking the wrong people seriously.  I’m wrong for not seeing how strong I already am.  I’m wrong for believing I was weak.  I’m wrong for believing that this war that rages on in my head would subside in a fortnight. I’m wrong for not celebrating the fact that I have a testimony and I’m wrong for assuming people don’t want to hear about it.

I’m wrong for thinking that this isn’t about me… because it is about me.  I’m not wrong for saying something about it.  I’m not wrong if you don’t like it.  I’m not wrong for obeying the burning desire to liberate myself from being somebody’s personal wind-up doll.  I’m not wrong for actually trying to do something about my problem.  I’m not wrong for admitting that I have mental health issues.  I’m not wrong for being sensitive… I’m not wrong for being who I am.

…but I am wrong for trying to be who you want me to be.

As I noted in a previous blog post, 2011 is the Year of the Tablet.  Personally, I feel this is Android’s time to shine on the tablet stage and already I’m seeing manufacturers outside of Apple capitalise on the opportunity to innovate further on these slate-style devices.  The ultimate winner here is the consumer, as they are spoilt for choice when it comes time to throw down on a tablet of their choice.  

Late last year, I concocted a way to come to a consensus on a Smartphone to go into a contract with.  I got creative and came up with a competition that would see each device represented by an international football side, then have them all battle it out via Football Manager 2011’s simulation match engine.  I dubbed my little contest Phone Game. Then, I set up the competition to be played out as a knockout/king-of-the-mountain type of gala.  Each Smartphone was seeded in the order that I wrote them down off the top of my head; each phone was then assigned an international side according to the current FIFA World Rankings corresponding to the seed assigned to them.  Long story short, the winner of Phone Game ended up being the Nokia N8, which was represented by Argentina.  I was thoroughly entertained by the little competition – yes, it was a tense and nail-biting affair – and my blue N8 is without doubt one of the best phones I’ve ever owned.

As the tablet tech started to grow on me, I decided that to pit the RIM Blackberry Playbook, Apple’s first-gen iPad, and Samsung’s [first-gen, 7-inch] Galaxy Tab against each other in a dramatic mini-league event, sensationally titled: Tablet Game. *fanfare, raucous ovation* …I admit the title might not be all that inspiring, never mind memorable, but the competition sure as hell was.  Because there were three contenders for the Tablet Gamecrown, I decided to have each manufacturer represented by their respective countries: Apple = United States, Samsung = Republic of Korea, RIM = Canada.  In the end, it turned out to be an almost runaway performance by the Yanks, losing only to Canada, which forced a final day contest against Korea Republic. The Americans didn’t disappoint, after a sensational second half performance saw the Koreans simply second best, 4-1 being the full-time score.  That result meant that the [first-gen] iPad was in my future.

However, my good friend John reminded me at the time that there are so many more new tablets coming out in 2011, including the second-gen iPad.  He thought it best to wait, not only to see what everyone else has to offer but also to have a bigger and better competition.  In the end, John was right (he usually is). Thus, I’ve just finished up the shortlist of tablets that will battle it out for the New Tablet Game honour.  The following devices will be listed in the order of their respective seed (randomly generated with the Random Number Generator):

From top to bottom: (1) Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1, (2) Notion Ink Adam, (3) Motorola Xoom, (4) ASUS EeePad Transformer TF101, (5) Acer Iconia A500, (6) Toshiba Tablet, (7) RIM Blackberry PlayBook, (8) Apple iPad 2, (9) HP Touchpad

I know what you’re thinking: “Why in the blue hell is an iPad there?!”  Quite simply, I did that to ensure that each manufacturer gets a fair shot at earning mah moniez; in other words, the competition should be kept free of as much personal bias as possible.  “Why so many Android tablets, then?” Aside from the fact that there’s only ONE WebOS tablet, ONE Blackberry OS tablet, and ONE iOS tablet?  If you paid attention, I never said this was an OS competition; I said this is battle between manufacturers.  Keep up, please.

The competition format will go a little something like this: 

• As there are nine combatants vying for the New Tablet Game crown (Christ, I need a more exciting name for this tournament…), a knockout competition would be unfair and unreasonable.  Therefore, a league format will be used, ensuring each of the contestants will play each other twice.
• Neutral venues will be used throughout the competition.  To ensure this, I will create the competition to be hosted in a nation that is NOT competing on behalf of one of the manufacturers. FIFA does this for the World Cup; each respective federation does this for their respective championship event; therefore, I will be doing it for New Tablet Game (AAARGH!!! That name!!! That horrific name!!! It burns!!!)**
• The nations will be assigned their representative nation in accordance with the FIFA World Rankings. To make things interesting - and, arguably, a bit more balanced - I will be adding a ‘1’ at the front of the seed number (ie. 11, 12, etcetera… you get the picture. If you don’t, may God have mercy on you and your feeble brain.).

So then… who will be representing who, you ask? Allow me to divulge:

• Samsung will be represented by Italy
• Fighting for the Notion Ink Adam will be Norway
• Russia will be doing battle for Motorola
• ASUS will have Chile to do their bidding on the pitch.
• Flying the flag for Acer, we have Japan
• Get on your dancing shoes, Toshiba. Ghana is your team.
• Slovenia will be duking it out for RIM
• parlez-vous français? Apple does. (In case you missed it: France is reppin’ it for Apple)
• O, say can you seeeeeee… *coughs* Sorry. Yep, you guessed it! HP will represented by USA

No matter which way you slice this, this competition looks to be absolutely amazing.  I will do my best to upload video highlights of the best moments from each match (yes, Footie Man 2011 gives me that kind of power). In the end, football will be the victor.  Not really.  May the best tablet… erm, country… no? Awh, sod it then.  Let’s geddit owwwwwnnnnnn! :-D

…you’re still mah boy, Blue. 

** - UPDATE: I was going to set neutral venues… but I forgot to do so. Instead, the competition is going with a standard home-and-away format.

See the full gallery on Posterous